Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Not-So-Vanishing Twin Syndrome (And Broken Hearts)

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month (and today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day) and last October, I had no idea this existed. This October, my life has been changed in ways I never thought possible.

I have lost two babies in 2013 - one, a surprise pregnancy in March, which I miscarried somewhere in the first trimester, and, two, a twin to the baby boy I'm currently carrying, just six weeks ago when I was 11 weeks pregnant. I had not even told family members we were expecting baby #3 back in March, so my miscarriage was mainly suffered alone, at home, with my husband (and the exception of a few close friends). I wish I would've shared that pain. Before today, I've told a handful of people that I just lost a twin to my baby.

Now, suffering a loss again and so soon, I'm devastated and lost, grateful and happy. After doing some soul searching via the internets invaluable motherhood boards, I came across Brandi Wolfe's story from Preggie Pals today, and I couldn't have written it any more eloquently. Nor could I have found a story that is almost identical to my own unless I wrote it myself (which is why I stole her title). Like Brandi, I think these stories of loss are very real, and not sharing them is doing a detriment to future mothers of the world, who deserve some peace when they (we) are crying and bleeding at 2am, eating Golden Grahams and trying not to vomit, seeking solace for our souls and our wombs.

To celebrate this month, and to help heal my heart, I'm writing this post and sharing my story. I'm also one of the artists creating a small niche for Boise's Dia de los Muertos celebration at Boise 150's Sesqui-Shop in honor of my two babies that I can never hold, except in my heart. I'm ready to speak out. I need to know I'm not alone. You are not alone.

12 comments:

  1. Amy, I am so sorry for your losses. Long-distance hugs for you and your babies.

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  2. Tears in my eyes and love in my heart for you dear Amy. This has been a rough year, may the future hold much joy!

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  3. Friends, thank you so much for your support and love. The internets make the world seem so much more intimate, for which I am eternally grateful. xo Amy

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  4. Hugs and love to you, my friend.

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  5. Wow, of course I had no idea but I'm sorry for your loss and for the time you felt alone. You are brave to share your story and I know it will help others. A Dia de los Muertos display sounds very cool. Keep up the good work.

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    1. Thanks so much for reading, Shannon, and always being my champion!

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  6. Tears are pouring after the first paragraph of this post. Losing a child at any point of their/your life is the epitome of saddness and heartache in my opinion. You are an amazing woman and I feel so fortunate to know you every time I am moved by something you share.

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    1. Oh, Jenny. You are so sweet. I can't wait to spend some real life time with you at Wintry Market!

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  7. Amy, first off, I love you. And I am so so sorry. Second off, I love the girls and Eric too. Thirdly, I am sending you lots of love and hugs and wishes for a very very peaceful next few months. <3

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  8. Beautifully Written. Thanks for sharing your stories

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  9. Thank you for sharing and baring your soul, Amy. I'm so sorry for your losses, Amy. I want to hold you, hug you, and cry with you right now. I have had 4 miscarriages. The first, I just thought I was having an unusually heavy period and cramps. Two of them, I'd just had the pregnancies confirmed. By the fourth, I knew what was happening, even though I hadn't had the pregnancy confirmed. The first three I suffered alone and grieved with shame and guilt. What had I done to cause this? I did not even have a supportive husband. It wasn't until my third miscarriage that a woman in the community came to visit with food, a helping hand, and sympathy. I was confused. She told me I had had a death in the family and needed the same support as when a family member (that everyone could see) had died. It was such a comfort to know that someone else understood and had been there herself. I hadn't done anything wrong. It was a death in my family. It was ok to grieve. I have tried to pas on that support whenever I learn of a miscarriage. Still so many suffer in silence and shame. Amy's Aunt Liz

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    1. Aunt Liz, You know I love you so much. The stories of your losses that you shared with me earlier this summer helped me more than you know. It is important, you are right, to reach out to those in need, and it helps me to share these stories so others might not suffer in silence and shame. Love you.

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