Thursday, September 3, 2015

A Stand For Self Love

Two years ago I started this private group on Facebook called the Boise Rad Fat Collective. We're a secret society of super-sized feminazis who can't get laid and sit around complaining about our ugly clothes while eating Big Macs and cake.

RRRRIIIIIGGHT.

That's not at all what our group is about, despite what Internet trolls and mean people would like to believe. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite. We're a group of socially engaged Idahoans of all shapes and sizes who are fed up with mainstream media and society telling us what a valuable body should do\be\act\look like. And while it started with just a handful of my best strong female friends, it's expanded now to include people I've never met (even though we do try to plan regular meet-ups in real life). And generally speaking, we're a positive bunch who share lots of news on cutting-edge literature and scientific studies and fun films and personal stories, while being supportive and thoughtful in our Facebook wall discussions (gasp!). New members are always welcome and, no, you don't have to be fat to join in nor do you have to live in Boise, but you do have to be respectful and smart and adhere to one basic concept - that all bodies are good bodies.

(PSST! And most of us have sex. On a regular hot basis.)

.....

Two weeks ago this video by The Liberators International went viral. The Liberators are a group out of Australia whose mission is to involve people in participatory acts of freedom that allow us to see that beyond our differences there is love and humanity. If you haven't already seen it, you can do so by clicking my link above, but, in a nutshell, it's a moving social experiment where a young Liberator named Jae West sheds her clothing in London's busy Picadilly Circus, armed with markers, a sign, and a blindfold, asking people to draw hearts on her body if they share her promotion of self-acceptance, after overcoming an eating disorder. She has now been interviewed extensively about the importance of the project and how terrifying and exhilarating standing alone half-nude was for her, and the outpouring of humanity that has followed it.

My friend Angie and I posted a link to the video to the Rad Fat Collective and we all agreed it was a powerful performance art piece, and discourse ensued. How would it be received if the woman had been less socially acceptable in appearance, like, fat? And, say, a mom who's nearly 40-years-old? And in a place that was more conservative and less progressive than London like, say, Boise, Idaho? Turns out, we weren't the only people asking these questions and talking about this important project of West's - the alternative media was, too. So, I made a (GULP) plan and asked another one of my friends in the Collective (who also happens to be a professional photographer), Melanie, to document it.


We picked a date (Saturday August 29, 2015) and one of the most pedestrian-rich locations in the city (the Capital City Public Market downtown Boise) at the busiest time of day (noon). I decided to wear a black bikini instead of a bra and undies (conservative Boise) and changed the text on my sign to read something a little different and pertinent to me. I decided to tell no one except the Rad Fat Collective that this was happening, as the idea of leaving the experience organic and up to chance, rather than fill the audience with known body positive activists and friends, was more appealing. Everything seemed in order and to fall into place quickly.

Until my nerves set in.

.....

I woke up Saturday morning after a fitful night's sleep and puked. And bloated with horrid cramps. And a raging period. (Hey, Donald Trump! MAD MENSTRUATING WOMAN ON A MEANINGFUL MISSION ALERT!). And I was terrified. I was scared that I might get asked to leave by the police or that people would yell terrible things at me or that no one would draw a heart on my body and I'd stand there alone and crying for minutes that felt like hours.

Well, none of that came true. Except for the crying part.

.....

I let the farmers' market director (who happens to be a friend of mine) know what we were staging about an hour before the event. Not only did I have her support, she suggested I stand in the middle of the busiest spot of the market, that she would handle any negative feedback or complaints, and could she borrow a marker to draw a heart on me now in case she missed the performance? It was probably with that first heart that I knew this was gonna be good. I had no idea just how good it was about to get.

.....

Melanie set up her camera, Angie was my ear on the ground, and I hit my spot, barefoot, and stripped off my dress. The hush in the crowd around me was instantaneous and I barely had time to tie on my blindfold, prop up my sign and grab my markers before the first woman rushed up to me, touched my hand with her shaky one, told me I was brave and powerful and asked if she could give me a hug and started to cry. And then I cried, too. But I could tell she didn't just draw a heart on my body. She wrote a word. In fact, by the end of my fifty minutes of continuous public support, there were dozens of words that covered my body, and even more hearts.


Badass
Love
THANK YOU
Hope
Strong
Awesome
God Bless You
You are beautiful
You Rock
Divine
Stand Strong
I Love Me
You look great
Power
Amazing
You are gorgeous
Big Love
Inspire


You'll see all this in these photos and the video - that the hugs continued, as did the tears, a flower was placed by a young man at my feet, I got a kiss on the cheek and an ice cold lemonade left by my side for when I was done. And, undoubtedly, like me, you will also see other things in these photos - the sweat running down my rolls of back fat, cellulite (on strong legs that have carried me for four decades), a wonky bikini top with sagging breasts (that nourished three babies), stretch marks (that represent my transition from a chubby adolescent to a curvy teenager to a woman who's been pregnant four times), and darkly tanned skin (from a summer spent at the Boise Public Pools with my friends and my children).


The most important things about this performance, though, are the ones you can't see.

The personal stories of struggle.

The dad who stood in front of me with his two young sons and knelt down to tell them to "this is what a beautiful woman looks like."


Thin women who are embarrassed by their small breasts.

Old women who know life moves too preciously fast to hate themselves any longer.

Teenaged girls who ran up to me afterward as I was walking down a side street to tell me I'm an inspiration and a role model.


One woman came back to me several times during my nearly hour long stand for self love. While you can feel the people who are writing words of encouragement and faith on your body, what you can't see are all the lives you are touching by just existing in this space, she said. All these people that are stopping to look at you and read your sign and watch the rest of us? You've reached them all in ways unimaginable.



And the twentysomething man who stood behind me and whispered, The effects of what you are doing here are far reaching. It's absolutely amazing. The power of this moment will go on and in ways you never thought possible. You are changing more lives than you know.


Oh, Boise, you restored my faith in humanity, you blew my mind with your kindness, you saw the beauty in my body and your own. You are ready for a body positive revolution, and I'm honored to stand by your side. Take my hand, if you need, and I'll pull you up.


We can't truly love one another until we fully love ourselves. And once we do, I guarantee, that together we can move mountains.


(photos and videography by Melanie Folwell)

*UPDATED TO ADD LINK LOVE FROM PRESS AROUND THE WORLD 
(to see a more complete and updated list please see my new website at www.amypencebrown.com)


BuzzFeed (story)
BuzzFeed (video)
Mamalode magazine, Fall 2015, Positively
The Dr. Oz Show, November 23, 2015
Beauty With Plus, Hungarian blog & accompanying newssite
All Bodies Are Good Bodies - Good To Know UK guest writer, January 2016

194 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Dating for everyone is here: ❤❤❤ Link 1 ❤❤❤


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  2. i'm feeling completely inspired and beyond motivated to learn to love myself better.

    i really feel like this post just changed my life.

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  3. This is just amazing. I cried through reading the post and then again through the video. What bravery you have; thanks for showing us all what it looks like!

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  4. Awesome, brave, heart-warming, emotional!

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  5. Simply no words for how courageous, profound, authentic and loving this is. I know your story will change the world. I personally look forward to sharing.

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  6. Wow! I am just stunned. So beautiful, so powerful, so BRAVE! Thank you so much for sharing this and sharing yourself. You have a new fan.

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  7. You are VERY beautiful! Very inspiring! This was a great test to see that those around us CAN get past stereotypical idealism of what beauty "should" be. Very amazing. LOVE YOU!

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  8. It's so simple but we need to hear this message of self-love over and over again. Thank you for cracking open to let us all in.

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  9. That was the most beautiful video I've ever seen! Amy you are beautiful inside and out!

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  10. Tears:-) So inspiring!! Sending Love:-))))))

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  11. Crying so hard because your project was so moving and inspiring. I struggle with self-acceptance every day, and you made me feel less alone. Thank you.

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  12. So beautiful, this made me cry. Thank you!!

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  13. This is beautiful, as are you.....
    This is inspiring, as are you.....
    I love that this opened hearts and minds.....
    I want to join your circle....
    may I?

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  14. This was so inspiring. I look in that mirror & struggle seeing that older, overweight grandma, that has breast cancer scars & it's hard to see beauty. But love is blind. Thank you.

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  15. Tears are flowing. Really sad that my family and I had to miss this particular Saturday at the market. Love your story, your strength and your stand. Looking forward to meeting the Boise Rad Fat Collective one day soon!

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  16. You are an inspiration! I am going to start working on self love. I find myself deciding on rather or not to make plans based on rather I can loose enough weight, it's the mind set I was taught from childhood. Always on a diet, never comfortable in my skin and missing out on some pretty awesome adventures due to a fear of what others would think of me. No more!

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  17. Amy - you are gorgeous inside and out. Well done!

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  18. I am not sure why I am crying but I am. I went from terror thinking about doing this myself to thinking maybe everyone isn't so bad after all. Thank you.

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  19. Wow! So powerful! Life changing.....inspirational.....what a wonderful, brave thing to do. I am in awe.

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  20. Thank you Amy Pence Brown for putting yourself out there...for those of us....like me....who still find it difficult...You ARE beauty!

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  21. You are awesome! I am a very large woman myself and have struggled with self esteem most of my 44 years of life. I have always been overweight but only very large over the last 7-10 years. While I never expect to be skinny, I am trying to regain a healthier size and life. My life will be my own again and I thank you for standing up for us.

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  22. Wow, I am awe struck at this.. What an amazing thing.. I wish that i could have the self confidence to do this.. You are truly and inspiration to all.. Leaning to love myself is the hardest journey that I have ever embarked on. I am not doing too well on the journey, but I keep telling myself, it is alright.. Thank you for this...

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  23. Tears... nicely done!

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  24. I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you my heart, so here it is now. ♡ Beautiful, you are!

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  25. I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you my heart, so here it is now. ♡ Beautiful, you are!

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  26. I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you my heart, so here it is now. ♡ Beautiful, you are!

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  27. You are beautiful. I'm sorry we left Boise before I could meet a treasure like you.

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  28. You are beautiful. I'm sorry we left Boise before I could meet a treasure like you.

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  29. Inspiring and beautiful. Thank you for being so brave.

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  30. I don't care what part of town they live in or what their politics are; I think Boiseans (and Boise-metro-eans?) are some of the best, kindest people in the world.

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  31. Bawling my eyes out. You are so beautiful, thank you for shining in a world that tries to dull us down, thank you for being a reflection of me. We are beautiful!

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  32. I find this so emotionally amazing. Not just for the bravery you've shown but clearly for the lives that you changed from people of every walk of life and every age in just one hour. Your act of bravery and love is shaping our future.


    best,
    Chrissy of crashbeauty.com

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  33. I wish that we had managed to get to Saturday Market that day...I would have been so happy to have my daughter see you, and this...people being kind and gracious and accepting.

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  34. Thank you 66 & still an issue wtf... Melanie Folwell is rad Love you for doing this. Would love to meet up. Is there a group? Let me know Patricia Angell 429-8854. I have been a big beauty from birth, Keep up your great works. Inspiring many,

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  35. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you. Still crying. As an emotional eating coach, I have the honor of helping women with your message every day ("We can't truly love one another until we fully love ourselves"). In fact, I teach that loving and accepting ourselves comes FIRST. It's time to remove the guilt and shame. EVERY body IS valuable. Thanks for helping to spread this message. Karen Donaldson P.S. I'm from Pocatello Idaho so it's exciting to see someone else from our wonderful state sharing this message. Love you!

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  36. This had me in tears. A lesson and reminder that I need. THANK YOU so much!

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  37. I was raised to love myself and be accepting of all human kind. I am not a thin person and do have insecurities but don't let them hold me back. I love love love what you have done and feel that if I had been there to see what you were doing I may have stripped down to stand with you and hold your hand! Absolutely a beautiful thing and truly inspiring to those who don't have the best self image. Those girls who told you they thought of you as a role model have the best kind of role model anyone could ask for. Thank you for doing this and touching so many lives in such a positive way. I do love you!!

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  38. Wow, what you've done is so brave, loving, and moving. I love your sentence about old women who realize that there's no time to waste on hating yourself. So true. Such a waste of a wonderful mind & life to spend it scornful of the precious body carrying me through life.

    Thank you for doing this!

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  39. Wow, what you've done is so brave, loving, and moving. I love your sentence about old women who realize that there's no time to waste on hating yourself. So true. Such a waste of a wonderful mind & life to spend it scornful of the precious body carrying me through life.

    Thank you for doing this!

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  40. Wow! Absolutely beautiful. Changing lives for the better!

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  41. Thanks Amy...so touching, so beautiful, so brave! Loved the video and the story even more---go continue to shine!

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  42. speechless...love you, what you did and I love my ever changing body :) Bless you!! xoxo

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  43. This is simply AWESOME! I speak as a 50-year-old woman who has struggled since I was a small child with my weight and poor body image and pure self-hatred. I have wasted so much time letting fear paralyze me. I've only recently learned to love myself. Thank you for bringing awareness to this sickness in our society. You ARE beautiful!

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  44. Wonderful to see people respond with love and caring. I saw this same type of thing done by a young woman with an eating disorder. Not sure where that was at, but happy to see this example of humanity in Boise, Idaho! Best to you. Go out an be courageous every day. Love who you are, right now, in this moment. Embrace, and be empowered by love! :)

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  45. Oh Amy, this is magical! You, along with other amazing women, have recently inspired me to love my body as it is. I've struggled through eating disorders in my past, and grew up in an environment where I was taught my body (or any body) wasn't considered beautiful, healthy, or good, unless it could fit into a certain size. After I had my first two babies I was mad at my body for not shrinking down to its previous size. Now with my third, I'm finally at a place where I'm amazed at what my body is capable of, even with the flabby skin and stretch marks. That's partially due to your example and bravery. I will be sharing this video with my children, and teaching them that every body is beautiful. Thank you for being brave!

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  46. Thank you for sharing. Love is the key to happiness. Love your mind, spirit, and body!

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  47. Awesome and inspiring! Thank you for sharing.

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  48. Amy, you radiate beauty inside and out. Thank you.

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  49. Inspirational. Thank you for being so courageous. XOXO

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  51. Brilliant, beautiful and courageous. Thank you for standing for all of us!

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  52. Thank you so much for being brave enough to do this!!

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  53. Not sure where I came across this, but thank you. Big, skinny, old, young...none of us are media perfect, what we are is people perfect. You exemplify that. Perfect

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  54. finding her beautiful and brave was easy makes me want to think more highly of the women in the mirror

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  55. Amy - Brene' Brown would say you are Daring Greatly. Show Up, Be Seen, Live Brave. As a 65 year old Idaho gal, your risking has reminded me that I am worthy of love and belonging. With a whole heart, Nancy Nadolski

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  56. I was moved to tears watching this. Wow. LOVE.

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  57. Brought me to tears! Thank you for your courage to do this in public! Sending you a virtual heart that reads, You're awesome and beautiful!

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  58. Wow this made me do the ugly cry :) I definitely talk the talk about self-love and acceptance, but I have to wonder if my strong reaction to this means I may have some work to do on the little voices in my head. Thank you for being a living example of vulnerability, courage and bad-ass-ness for the rest of us.

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  59. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing this story.

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  60. How incredibly brave of you. And...how comforting to know that people were loving and not hateful. As someone who hates the way my body looks and knows how much that hate holds me back, this is cathartic and inspiring.

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  61. Incredible ripple (awareness) effect you are gifting all women.

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  62. I live across an ocean, and you have just moved me to sobbing tears. That young man was right. You cannot know the power of this. YOU ARE INCREDIBLE!

    Thank you from people everywhere. From those of us who have struggled with this, which I think is everyone at times. From the women and the men. Old and young. Gay and Straight. I Know we are all saying it. Thank you.

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  63. Thank you! I can't stop thinking that if I had been there I would have had trouble not taking off my clothes and standing with you.
    I am a fitness instructor that is neither young or thin. I am amazed and impressed with what my body does every week and I love it for what it can do.

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  64. Thank you! I can't stop thinking that if I had been there I would have had trouble not taking off my clothes and standing with you.
    I am a fitness instructor that is neither young or thin. I am amazed and impressed with what my body does every week and I love it for what it can do.

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  65. Tears are running down my face after reading this. I would say you are brave (and you are) but I think that is part of the whole point of this is that you shouldn't have to be brave to go out into the world and show your body and be who you are.

    If I had been in town and at the market, I would have given you a hug, too.

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  66. While I am not a woman, I would like to say as a Man in this world, that you are an amazing and beautiful lady! I do commend you for your courage and I am glad that you decided to do this in the U.S. I see so many things similar to this but it's usually across the ocean. What a way to show the essence and beauty of a lady by standing out there and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I cannot say enough about it. I hope you become a role model for all women and show the beauty they have!

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  67. "We can't truly love one another until we fully love ourselves. And once we do, I guarantee, that together we can move mountains."

    AGREE!!! Thank you for your role and inspiration in making that happen. Sending lots of love your way!!

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  68. I don't know why, but I cried through the entire video. Thank you for being so brave.

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  69. Wow, .. wiping away tears ... you are amazing, beautiful, brave, fierce, smart ... everything. You are Every Woman. And my hero. ♥

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  70. You are simply awesome. And you were before this experiment too.

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  71. I love this video. I am inspired to do something similar but in Denver. You inspire people and myself. I am not normally a person who likes to "be out there", but I think it's time. Our society is changing and you are a part of that and so am I. Thank you again!!

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  72. you are my hero and sooooooo brave <3

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  73. Wow, you are so awesome!! I too was touched and cried when I saw this. I have a body type like yours, and I could never do this...I won't even get into a bathing suit!! You are a brave, beautiful person....never forget that.

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  74. Love this so much. I put off watching the video until someone I actually adore posted it on the facebook. You go girl. And way to rock those FitFlops :)

    I'm 48 and can't remember the last time I put on a bathing suit.

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  75. That was so amazing....

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  76. Made me cry ... absolutely amazing video (and also the one from London). I want my 3 year old granddaughter to watch this -- and her mother, and all my female friends.

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  77. I just watched your experiment/performance for the third time today. Each time I was overcome with emotions. I cried. I smiled. Thank you for your bravery. Thank you for your radical self-acceptance. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for the role you're playing in the body positivity revolution. Thank you for taking my hand and pulling me up. Sending much love your way.

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  78. I have struggled with low self-esteem my entire life; I don't think I've ever learned to love my body.... but Im trying. I can see the beauty in others, but not myself. You are beautiful; you are wise; you are inspiring. Thank you.

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  79. This is amazing! I have struggled with self esteem and image for years. This gives me real hope. I think you are beautiful and strong. Thank you for doing it. I am sure you have inspired women all round the world. Lots of love and hugs, from 'big and beautiful' in Scotland!!!!!

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  80. You've reached Norway! I cried watching this, and cried even more when I followed the link from the webpage to your blog and read the whole blog post. You are an amazing person for doing this, and for raising awareness. Thank you!

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  81. Incredible, Amy. Just incredible. Thank you for your bravery and your honesty and your love and your stand. LOVE ♥

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  82. I saw this on FB and cried the whole way through it.
    You have touched my heart.
    Thank you.

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  83. Thanks you! Thank you! Thank you! I cried thru the whole beautiful video. I can't tell you how moving and inspiring that was. I spent my 20s in and out of treatment for bulimia and now 45 and 15 years free from the worst of that disease, I still suffer with acceptance and self happiness part of recovery. Your actions were so powerful and I am so glad to have found it. Thank you for your bravery and the beautiful video. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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  84. Your Body Positive Revolution inspires me. Your body is beautiful. It shows strength as a mother and as a woman. You have made me feel proud to be a human being like you. I have never been to Boise, and so didn't have the chance to draw a heart on your body, but I will draw one here: <3 Thank you, Lady Amy Pence-Brown, for your courage and your love.

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  85. You are so beautiful. I wish I were in Boise that day to draw a big heart on you. Thank you for your strength. I'm sharing your video and post with everyone I know today, and most especially my daughter.

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  86. Amy, you are INCREDIBLE. Thank you so much for sharing your courage and generosity. I have struggled with my weight my entire life and as I get older, I keep feeling like I am running out of time. I know in my head that I am a healthy strong, beautiful woman, but the reflection I see in the mirror and in photos contradicts that knowledge. Seeing your video resonated with me on a very deep level - one that whispered - no - SHOUTED - "Hell, Yea!!" Many blessings to you and thank you for sharing yourself on such a personal level. Blessings to you. Here are my hearts <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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  87. Greetings from Malaysia. <3 i'm a 28 year old female. I have always been insecure about my stretchmarks and cellulite. I would never wear shorts or bikini in public. I'm even scared that my husband would feel repulsed after seeing my body. (I just got married 1 month ago) but it was totally the opposite. He didn't mind at all. In fact he accepts me fully and he said he feels honoured that i'm willing to trust him and show my body. He said he still finds me sexy no matter what. Your video also inspires me to love myself first. So thank you so much!

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  88. I'm a 17-year-old Finnish girl with big self-esteem problems. Seeing this video was amazing. My heart stopped and I cried, cause now I have hope, that someday I will be as brave as you. Thank you!

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  89. Why you gotta make me cry at work?!?!?! I love you Amy! I love your courage - to stand for all of us!

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  90. THANK you for this. As a muscular gal who has had very unexpected medication reaction weight gain, I have been beside myself not knowing what to wear, how to accept this version of myself, etc. THIS made my day. Thank you for teaching not only your children self love, but us others out there.

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  91. I think the video is made even more powerful by the fact that it's all ages, all genders, all makes that were moved by you, your sign and all you stood for. How courageous and tremendous of you!

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  92. My 4.5 year old daughter and I watched your video the other night. It really struck a chord with her. She wanted to know why you let people draw all over you. I talked to her about how you were courageous, and trusted strangers to write what they thought of you all over your body. And she said she liked all the hearts, that it looked like you were covered in love and happy things.
    This morning I caught her drawing marker hearts all over her 1 year old brother. She covered him head to toe with hearts, and smiles. I couldn't be mad at her. I asked her what she was doing. She said, I wanted him to be covered with my love. So when I go to school, he can't forget that his sister loves him, just as he is.
    You have a lasting impact on this family. From the smallest little man covered in blue marker, to the pleased smile of his big sister. Thank you for sharing your strength and courage.

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  93. My 4.5 year old daughter and I watched your video the other night. It really struck a chord with her. She wanted to know why you let people draw all over you. I talked to her about how you were courageous, and trusted strangers to write what they thought of you all over your body. And she said she liked all the hearts, that it looked like you were covered in love and happy things.
    This morning I caught her drawing marker hearts all over her 1 year old brother. She covered him head to toe with hearts, and smiles. I couldn't be mad at her. I asked her what she was doing. She said, I wanted him to be covered with my love. So when I go to school, he can't forget that his sister loves him, just as he is.
    You have a lasting impact on this family. From the smallest little man covered in blue marker, to the pleased smile of his big sister. Thank you for sharing your strength and courage.

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  94. You're beautiful and brave! Accept yourself and others as they are.

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  95. Wow, I just saw your video and read your post. You are so brave. I am also blown away by the love that came to you from the people around you.
    I am raising my daughter to have complete body love and acceptance of her own and everyone's bodies. I was raised to believe that my entire worth was based on my weight and my looks. I no longer believe this, and I will tell anyone who listens that their body is beautiful. It's a hard road towards this kind of self-acceptance, and I really hope the people whose lives you've touch go on to share the same message with others as well.

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  97. Bravo. This is great and I shared it on my google plus page. Thank you.

    https://plus.google.com/+EmpoweringYourWorld/posts/3E8GSvYM84K

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  98. GOD couldn't be more proud than I am of you, you are an OUTSPIRATION(an outstanding outshowing of inpirational qualities). Thank you, for your bravery and showing of your beauty.

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  99. This is a perfect example of how everyone's perception of beauty is different. What I see is an incredibly sexy looking woman with killer hips, a nice ass, and a hip hair cut that only adds to the sex appeal. There are enough anorexic women walking on the planet for the masses. For those who want something more than that, There are people like you.

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  100. This is a perfect example of how everyone's perception of beauty is different. What I see is an incredibly sexy looking woman with killer hips, a nice ass, and a hip hair cut that only adds to the sex appeal. There are enough anorexic women walking on the planet for the masses. For those who want something more than that, There are people like you.

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  101. This is fantastic. I live in Boise, but I didn't know this was going on! Can we connect some time?

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  102. LOVE THIS! Yay you! definitely sharing this message -- love your name for it: radical self acceptance! Yes please!!

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  103. Wow. this is unusual.
    Not sure if I would do this in our country. :/

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  105. THAT IS SO COOL! I LOVE IT! ♥

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